Today I ran errands while Robyn was at literature class at the home school office. My last stop was the grocery store. As I stood at the register waiting for my total I saw the first “Cadbury Eggs” of the season.
Last week Jae came home heartbroken from a shopping trip because, though she searched the store, she couldn’t find any of these special treasures. She felt as though she had missed an important connection.
So today I bought one in memory of Steve.
I felt an odd sense of continuity as I stepped into the mid winter sunshine, wearing a smile as I slid into the driver’s seat and turned the key. As the engine fired up My Immortal blasted from the radio.
Every time I hear this song it makes me think of me and Steve. She wipes away his tears, she fights away his fears. This pain is just too real!
I lost it. I sat, shoulders heaving with heavy sobs as the car idled.
I guess those few minutes were all I needed because when the song was over I pulled myself together, wiped my eyes with a tissue pulled from the always present box, and I was fine again.
Jae wasn’t here when I got home so I set the Cadbury Egg on her pillow. She arrived a short time later and, after telling me about her day, went to her room. Immediately she came back to the kitchen, holding the prize in her palm, relief softening her face.
Some days the simplest token can be enough to raise spirits and give a glimmer to the future.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I appreciate the comments you leave and have been trying to respond to them. But for some reason I haven't figured out yet, I am sent in an endless loop every time I press "Post Comment"! My own blog won't let me post a comment!
I'll keep working at it until I have this conqured. In the meantime, thank you for your comments. They mean so much to me!
I'll keep working at it until I have this conqured. In the meantime, thank you for your comments. They mean so much to me!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
December 21, 2005
Contemplating my life this morning I was struck by how completely Steve changed my life. Each baby we bear changes us in some way but usually we stay on the same life path, it just gets a little wider.
If I hadn’t become pregnant at seventeen I would have gone with my parents when they moved to Missouri. Instead I stayed behind in California with my new husband, Steve’s biological father. I would have wanted children no matter where I settled down. As far back as I can remember I wanted a house full of babies. But I wouldn’t have been blessed with these children that came to share, and help shape, my life.
Because of Steve I met Amy’s biological father.
If not for Steve, I would have missed the opportunity to meet Dave, with whom I happily share this life path and with whom I have become this version of me.
Of course I can’t know exactly where I would be now had I never been sidetracked at seventeen. I can’t imagine it being any better than here. I am where I am today, and to the extent that our environment helps shape us, who I am today, because of Steve.
If I hadn’t become pregnant at seventeen I would have gone with my parents when they moved to Missouri. Instead I stayed behind in California with my new husband, Steve’s biological father. I would have wanted children no matter where I settled down. As far back as I can remember I wanted a house full of babies. But I wouldn’t have been blessed with these children that came to share, and help shape, my life.
Because of Steve I met Amy’s biological father.
If not for Steve, I would have missed the opportunity to meet Dave, with whom I happily share this life path and with whom I have become this version of me.
Of course I can’t know exactly where I would be now had I never been sidetracked at seventeen. I can’t imagine it being any better than here. I am where I am today, and to the extent that our environment helps shape us, who I am today, because of Steve.
Friday, June 3, 2011
November 24, 2005
There are only a few hours left of this year’s Thanksgiving Day. Although not everyone could be here the day and our home were full with family, fun, wonderful aromas, and food!
After everyone else had gone tonight Nick and I spent almost two hours outside talking, our jackets snuggly buttoned against the autumn chill. Hundreds of stars watched over us from a perfectly clear sky as we discussed how our lives had changed in the past year and a half.
This day is so hard for Nick. On Thanksgivings past he and Steve would joke about eating pumpkin pie with one foot out the door, anxious to be on their way to the desert with Jeremy, Nett, Marisa, Amy, and the kids. Thanksgiving was a favorite day for two reasons, family and the long weekend riding at the dez.
So often Steve and Nick were like a single unit. Although they were six and a half years apart they complimented each other as well as any brothers. From the time Nick was five months old he tried to keep up with his big brother and as they grew they became best friends. They had their trials and falling outs but always recovered.
Now Steve is dead and Nick is a shell of his former self. Sometimes I think that half of Nick died with Steve. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve lost two sons. Sometimes I’m so confident in my own recovery I overlook the difficulty others, especially Nick, are having.
I need to keep him in my prayers constantly. This is affecting every corner of his life.
After everyone else had gone tonight Nick and I spent almost two hours outside talking, our jackets snuggly buttoned against the autumn chill. Hundreds of stars watched over us from a perfectly clear sky as we discussed how our lives had changed in the past year and a half.
This day is so hard for Nick. On Thanksgivings past he and Steve would joke about eating pumpkin pie with one foot out the door, anxious to be on their way to the desert with Jeremy, Nett, Marisa, Amy, and the kids. Thanksgiving was a favorite day for two reasons, family and the long weekend riding at the dez.
So often Steve and Nick were like a single unit. Although they were six and a half years apart they complimented each other as well as any brothers. From the time Nick was five months old he tried to keep up with his big brother and as they grew they became best friends. They had their trials and falling outs but always recovered.
Now Steve is dead and Nick is a shell of his former self. Sometimes I think that half of Nick died with Steve. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve lost two sons. Sometimes I’m so confident in my own recovery I overlook the difficulty others, especially Nick, are having.
I need to keep him in my prayers constantly. This is affecting every corner of his life.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
November 23, 2005
We got so much accomplished today! At any given moment there were at least five of us bumping around the kitchen. Although they won’t be here for dinner tomorrow Amy, Kirstie, Kyle, and Josh wanted to help with the baking so they came over right after breakfast. Jae and Robyn got up early to start working on the fudge and Nett took the day off work to join the fun. When they weren’t helping in the kitchen, the kids played outside in the perfect autumn weather.
We started on the pies first. Nett once commented that there seems to be at least one pie per person at our yearly feast. She might be right. This year she was in charge of the old fashioned pumpkin pies while I made a dairy and sugar free version. As those baked, Amy got to work on my mom’s special cherry pie recipe. As a young financially challenged bride, Mom couldn’t afford the four cans of pie cherries her favorite recipe called for. In desperation she went to her pantry in search of a substitute to stretch the two cans of cherries she already had. She found the perfect ingredient and passed her secret down to her children. I have passed it to mine and today, Amy passed the secret to hers. We’ve often been told, “I don’t know why but this is the best cherry pie I’ve ever tasted!”
As Amy worked at the left of the sink her daughters and I started the dinner rolls at the right. Kirstie and Kyle reveled in the gooey fun of mixing flour by hand into the warm yeasty water and then helping me knead the dough. After setting the dough to rise near the warm oven they ran outside to join Josh, Chris, and Nic in the climbing tree, making me promise to call them in when the dough was ready to punch down and be shaped into rolls. In a few hours we enjoyed a lunch of hot bread dipped in melted butter.
After lunch we headed back to the kitchen to finish the desserts. Lemons, cornstarch, Hershey’s Cocoa Powder, pecans, maple syrup, and lots of sugar were waiting on the kitchen counters to be turned into pies.
By 3:00 the pies were cooling on racks beside the fudge on the kitchen and dining room tables. But there was still much to be done to make tomorrow easier. We chopped and sautéed onions and celery for the stuffing and put them in the fridge to cool. More celery was chopped for the Waldorf salad and put in the fridge, while a bowl of apples, bananas, and chopped walnuts was set aside. Jae and Robyn took turns climbing the step stool to the upper cabinets to retrieve the seldom used bowls we would need. They then washed and dried them and put them aside to wait for the meal.
Dishes and counters cleaned, pies, fudge, and veggies awaiting tomorrow’s appetites, my daughters and I relaxed on the sofa, exhausted and satisfied after the long day.
“You know...” I interjected into the conversation “This is the first Thanksgiving since Steve died that I feel okay looking forward to the day. The last two years I kind of dreaded Thanksgiving, knowing he wouldn’t be here. This year I know I’ll miss him. I might even shed a tear. But I really am okay. And I really am thankful for all God has blessed me with.”
We started on the pies first. Nett once commented that there seems to be at least one pie per person at our yearly feast. She might be right. This year she was in charge of the old fashioned pumpkin pies while I made a dairy and sugar free version. As those baked, Amy got to work on my mom’s special cherry pie recipe. As a young financially challenged bride, Mom couldn’t afford the four cans of pie cherries her favorite recipe called for. In desperation she went to her pantry in search of a substitute to stretch the two cans of cherries she already had. She found the perfect ingredient and passed her secret down to her children. I have passed it to mine and today, Amy passed the secret to hers. We’ve often been told, “I don’t know why but this is the best cherry pie I’ve ever tasted!”
As Amy worked at the left of the sink her daughters and I started the dinner rolls at the right. Kirstie and Kyle reveled in the gooey fun of mixing flour by hand into the warm yeasty water and then helping me knead the dough. After setting the dough to rise near the warm oven they ran outside to join Josh, Chris, and Nic in the climbing tree, making me promise to call them in when the dough was ready to punch down and be shaped into rolls. In a few hours we enjoyed a lunch of hot bread dipped in melted butter.
After lunch we headed back to the kitchen to finish the desserts. Lemons, cornstarch, Hershey’s Cocoa Powder, pecans, maple syrup, and lots of sugar were waiting on the kitchen counters to be turned into pies.
By 3:00 the pies were cooling on racks beside the fudge on the kitchen and dining room tables. But there was still much to be done to make tomorrow easier. We chopped and sautéed onions and celery for the stuffing and put them in the fridge to cool. More celery was chopped for the Waldorf salad and put in the fridge, while a bowl of apples, bananas, and chopped walnuts was set aside. Jae and Robyn took turns climbing the step stool to the upper cabinets to retrieve the seldom used bowls we would need. They then washed and dried them and put them aside to wait for the meal.
Dishes and counters cleaned, pies, fudge, and veggies awaiting tomorrow’s appetites, my daughters and I relaxed on the sofa, exhausted and satisfied after the long day.
“You know...” I interjected into the conversation “This is the first Thanksgiving since Steve died that I feel okay looking forward to the day. The last two years I kind of dreaded Thanksgiving, knowing he wouldn’t be here. This year I know I’ll miss him. I might even shed a tear. But I really am okay. And I really am thankful for all God has blessed me with.”
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