January 22, 2004

For the first two weeks of January I was feeling pretty good, positive. Then in the middle of the month at Rob’s softball try outs I began a downward slide. Being back on the fields again stabbed me with an unexpected pain. Even though he was already having trouble walking, Steve made the effort to go to some of Robyn’s games with us last season to cheer her on. In my mind’s eye I can still see him sitting on the bleachers in the warm April sun wearing his stocking cap to protect the bandaged skinless area on his head. He was such a trooper.
Tomorrow is the six month anniversary of his death. We have six more months of “first times” without him to get through.

Lately I have a constant scream in my belly. The same monster I felt last July. The same two people syndrome...the regular me carrying the screaming me inside everywhere I go.
Then on the other hand it feels so normal that he’s not here, but I don’t want it to feel normal! Sometimes I think I want the pain of losing him to go on forever so I don’t lose touch with that last connection I have to him. So I can keep him by my side. But then I look over my shoulder and remember, he’s already gone...really gone.

Also, these last few weeks I haven’t been eating right or exercising and it has really taken a toll on my sense of well being. So I decided to have a binge of ice cream and some chocolate for a few days. Big mistake. Can you say upset stomach? I think I’d like to puke now. Anyway, I’ll get back on track soon. I know I’ll feel better if I behave better. Instead of sitting and wallowing in my grief I need to cry and move on. I just have to keep moving, like that little engine that could, climbing up the steep mountain. It was hard work to keep trying but eventually he made it, didn’t he?

My mom's sister Lucile died last week. She was always and will forever be known as Speed because as a child she always took her time getting things done. I’m so grateful to Uncle Carl and Aunt Sharon for offering to take Mom up to Arroyo Grande for the memorial service with .

We’ve lost three relatives in six months, one from each generation. First my son, then a cousin's husband, and now my aunt. Our family seems to be disappearing as we helplessly watch.