January 31, 2004

A few days ago I had a donut binge. I ate FIVE in one afternoon! Each time I grabbed another I knew it was a bad idea, but kept telling myself I’d start eating better “tomorrow”. Then yesterday I woke up with a cold, feeling utterly drained. I didn’t even have the energy to take my morning walk with Amy. I called to let her know I couldn’t go then I stretched out on the sofa and fell back to sleep.
As I slept I saw Steve in a dream. He was in the kitchen sitting in his wheel chair. His head wasn’t bandaged but his hair was close cropped like it was after the surgery to removed the infected ulcer and also took one third of his scalp. In my dream he was trying to correct me on something having to do with Jae or Robyn but I can’t remember what. I clearly remember hearing him condescendingly say “Mom…” in a tsk-tsk kind of voice but nothing else. I stood there, looking him into his unusually dull eyes, waiting for him to finish his thought, but he didn’t. I knew that he had died but that someone had given him a potion or a pill to wake him up so that he could come back to teach me something. Sadly, it was a temporary remedy.
I long to see him again and remember more of the dream. Whenever I see him in my dreams I wake up feeling as though I’ve actually had a visit with him, or more accurately, like he has visited me.