July 10, 2004

Ah ~ the last day of camp! Dave and I drove up to Big Bear today to get Robyn. It was only a week without her but I missed her like crazy, even though I knew she was having the time of her life! And I was right about that! Along with everything else that makes SEP such an awesome camp experience...canoeing, daily fun Bible study, friends, "the best counselors on earth!", hiking, bikeing, and so much more....again this year she took first place in girl’s archery and tallied only two points behind the highest scoring guy. She’s very pleased with herself.

I was looking forward to seeing Robs but after parking the van in the dusty lot I was filled with mixed emotions as we neared the worship hall. The building was already alive with music when we arrived. It was the same music they were singing as we entered last year when my heart was so heavy, knowing that very soon I would break my daughters’ hearts. Everywhere I looked in that enormous room today there were joyful young people clapping and stomping with the music, shouting out praises to God. I couldn’t stand there without crying, because my heart remembered the pain it was in the last time we were in there.

But something I learned from my neighbor, Dave, a few days ago seems to be helping me through this very difficult time. He lost his son a few years ago so he has a good idea of what I’m going through. He told me when my heart or gut starts to feel that gnawing heavy pain, give God thanks. Thanks for his uncountable blessings and thanks for the time we had with Steve. Each of us was altered in some way by our relationship with him. Each of us is richer.

This lesson from a friend has been a great blessing to me and I'm feeling somewhat happier. Like he said, it’s still there, that pain, but I can be happy, too, and that is not a betrayal to Steve’s memory but rather a confirmation (?), validation (?) of his impact on my life. At least for today, I’m not quite as afraid of July 23 as it draws closer.

I thank God with tears of joy for this.