April 13, 2006

Things are so stressful here right now I feel ready to explode! Every time someone says one of my names (Mom, Grandma, Deb…) I feel like they’re tearing a jagged bite out of my soul. I’m running out of me to give.

 It feels like our family is falling apart. There are so many negative things going on right now I don’t want to write them all down. We had such a happy family before Steve died. For more than a year after he died, we held each other up. But now we seem so fragmented, ripped apart from each other. We’re experiencing things that have never before been issues for our family…personality clashes, conflicting priorities, one daughter is lying about her whereabouts, another is under a huge amount of personal stress that she doesn’t want help for.

 And I’m so numb most of the time I don’t even know if I’m me anymore. Or if these people I share my life with are really my family.

We are rarely all here for “family dinner” but when we do all get together the tension is thick. It feels like the smiles are lightly pasted onto our faces and if these artificial smiles are pulled away we won’t be able to stay in the same room with each other without a fight.
 But it hasn’t come to that yet. We don’t actually fight or even raise our voices. We just kind of get through the evening.

Maybe I’m feeling so negative from the attacks I feel from outside myself or maybe from this constant mind-numbing fatigue. Maybe it’s from seeing this unprecedented turmoil in our family and how unreachable some of them have become inside their own grief. Nick’s seems to be literally killing him. I just need….

Merciful God, please tell me what I need. Please show me a way out of this place! Please give me back my real family.

 Please return the real me.