I’ve often said that the only thing I am consistent at is inconsistency. My bible study habits are not immune to this character flaw. But earlier this year I found a Bible Study plan that has been easy to stick with, even though I still don’t do it every day. I’m near the end. Today’s segment focused on giving my battles up to the Lord. In Him there is victory.
I’m usually very good at this. I have learned to tenaciously hold on to my faith through many difficult trials... I mean, opportunities... throughout my life. Through the years my trials have built my faith as I’ve watched God fight for me, provide for me, and repair my way.
But now I am fighting a battle I hadn’t realized was a battle, within myself. I continue giving in to sorrow and regret. I am still often plagued with memories of things I should have done differently with Steve.
One afternoon about eight months before he died we were talking about eulogies, using the funny form of the word from the movie “Zoolander”. I told him, “You know, as oldest son you have to give a lovely u-goo-galy at my funeral.”
“Mom, you know I won’t be around for that. You'll have to give a u-goo-galy at mine.”
What had been a playful conversation was turning into a stark reality I wasn’t ready to face. I insisted that he would be there for mine and refused to entertain the idea that he wouldn’t, cutting off a perfect opportunity to discuss his limited future. I think I even walked to another room to put an end to the discussion.
Text book denial. What gems might have come from this missed serendipitous conversation? Would he have been able to expose his heart? To share some side of himself that instead he had to keep buried to protect me from having to face his reality?
The reality came anyway and a piece of Steve he could have shared remained his burden to bear alone.
Now I carry a burden. The burden of knowing that I cheated him out of an opportunity to open up and perhaps to lighten his load just a little. I have to give this battle to God. It is my only path to victory over these spears that continually stab my heart. In this victory I can live a life to honor the memory of Steve and give glory to God. I know that God and Steve have forgiven me, now I need to forgive me. Or, do I need only to accept forgiveness?
Whatever---I give this battle up to God. In him is my complete victory over deep sorrow and regret....
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
From 2011
I won't be posting a new blog next week. The Southern California Writers' Conference is a week from tomorrow and I still have lots to do to be ready when Devan gets here to pick me up...including meet with Devan on Tuesday!
This year I'm anxious about the conference. No, REALLY. Anxious! Last year was a lark. This time I know that I have to talk to strangers and promote my work. If you know me, you know I'd much rather be behind the scenes. “Pay no attention to that woman behind the apron!”
This is all new to me! By nature I doubt what I have to offer. But I know that God gave me this job and if He says I can do it, I can do it! I don’t know yet to what end. Is the finished product going to be for my family and friends? That would be alright.
But I have a larger goal. I hope my book will eventually be in the hands of grieving parents. Caregivers. Friends of grieving parents. Anyone who could benefit from an inside look at this unique grief.
And to reach that goal I have to promote myself...in the social media stream and at the conference face to face with people who can make decisions about my future based on how I present myself.
Thanks for your prayers. And thanks for recommending my blog and website to everyone in your own social media stream. It really does make a difference!
http://www.debbiehaas.net/
http://debbie-haas.blogspot.com/
Peace be with you...
This year I'm anxious about the conference. No, REALLY. Anxious! Last year was a lark. This time I know that I have to talk to strangers and promote my work. If you know me, you know I'd much rather be behind the scenes. “Pay no attention to that woman behind the apron!”
This is all new to me! By nature I doubt what I have to offer. But I know that God gave me this job and if He says I can do it, I can do it! I don’t know yet to what end. Is the finished product going to be for my family and friends? That would be alright.
But I have a larger goal. I hope my book will eventually be in the hands of grieving parents. Caregivers. Friends of grieving parents. Anyone who could benefit from an inside look at this unique grief.
And to reach that goal I have to promote myself...in the social media stream and at the conference face to face with people who can make decisions about my future based on how I present myself.
Thanks for your prayers. And thanks for recommending my blog and website to everyone in your own social media stream. It really does make a difference!
http://www.debbiehaas.net/
http://debbie-haas.blogspot.com/
Peace be with you...
Monday, February 7, 2011
October 28, 2004
This time last year I was overwhelmed with anxiety and panic attacks. But on November 14 I woke up feeling lighter....as though I had stepped out from a dark shadow. I knew then that Dave had been right. It was apprehension over Steve’s approaching birthday causing the anxiety. That was the first year the guest of honor would be missing from his own birthday celebration, highlighting his permanent absence. This year I’m prepared for these feelings. I’m allowing the emotion but not the anxiety.
Since I started meditating I’ve been better able to breathe through the beginnings of a panic attack so it doesn’t get a foothold. I’m able to recognize the first hint of a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and shallow breathing for what it is, acknowledge it, and release it. What a relief! Though the sadness comes and goes, the disabling anxiety isn’t the threat it once was.
I’ve been thinking so much about him today...
Steve, as a baby....
Steve, as a boy....
Steve as a young man....
Steve, as Husband and Daddy.
Steve, old before his time.
Steve, who would never know old age....
.
Since I started meditating I’ve been better able to breathe through the beginnings of a panic attack so it doesn’t get a foothold. I’m able to recognize the first hint of a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and shallow breathing for what it is, acknowledge it, and release it. What a relief! Though the sadness comes and goes, the disabling anxiety isn’t the threat it once was.
I’ve been thinking so much about him today...
Steve, as a baby....
Steve, as a boy....
Steve as a young man....
Steve, as Husband and Daddy.
Steve, old before his time.
Steve, who would never know old age....
.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
October 7, 2004
Marisa and Ethan are home from the hospital! So good to visit them in their own comfy space.
Before going over to see them after dinner tonight, I took a special treasure to Albertson’s floral department.
The day after Nick was born Alice and Don came to meet their new grandson. She carried with her a small bouquet of flowers in a bootie shaped vase. As she placed it on the bedside table she told me, “This little vase was given to me the day David was born and I’ve been waiting all this time to give it to his first baby.”
I have protected this memento for 26 years, waiting as Alice did, to give it to my son's wife when their first baby was born. I was terrified I would break it before I could carry on the tradition started by my sweet mom-in-law. Tonight I walked into the store hugging my carefully wrapped treasure to my chest.
As Lauren filled it with a spray of tiny blue carnations and baby’s breath I told her the story behind it. “...I’ve managed to keep it in one piece and now that my son is a daddy I'm relieved that I can hand it down to his wife.”
“No one has ever brought in an heirloom for me to fill. That is so neat!”
After finishing the flowers she placed the bootie in a box and protectivly surrounded it with floral foam to insure I reached my goal.
“Be careful! And, no charge for the flowers. I hope your daughter-in-law likes it!
She does....and now Marisa is waiting to pass it along to Ethan's wife!
Before going over to see them after dinner tonight, I took a special treasure to Albertson’s floral department.
The day after Nick was born Alice and Don came to meet their new grandson. She carried with her a small bouquet of flowers in a bootie shaped vase. As she placed it on the bedside table she told me, “This little vase was given to me the day David was born and I’ve been waiting all this time to give it to his first baby.”
I have protected this memento for 26 years, waiting as Alice did, to give it to my son's wife when their first baby was born. I was terrified I would break it before I could carry on the tradition started by my sweet mom-in-law. Tonight I walked into the store hugging my carefully wrapped treasure to my chest.
As Lauren filled it with a spray of tiny blue carnations and baby’s breath I told her the story behind it. “...I’ve managed to keep it in one piece and now that my son is a daddy I'm relieved that I can hand it down to his wife.”
“No one has ever brought in an heirloom for me to fill. That is so neat!”
After finishing the flowers she placed the bootie in a box and protectivly surrounded it with floral foam to insure I reached my goal.
“Be careful! And, no charge for the flowers. I hope your daughter-in-law likes it!
She does....and now Marisa is waiting to pass it along to Ethan's wife!
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