October 28, 2004

This time last year I was overwhelmed with anxiety and panic attacks. But on November 14 I woke up feeling lighter....as though I had stepped out from a dark shadow. I knew then that Dave had been right. It was apprehension over Steve’s approaching birthday causing the anxiety. That was the first year the guest of honor would be missing from his own birthday celebration, highlighting his permanent absence. This year I’m prepared for these feelings. I’m allowing the emotion but not the anxiety.

Since I started meditating I’ve been better able to breathe through the beginnings of a panic attack so it doesn’t get a foothold. I’m able to recognize the first hint of a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and shallow breathing for what it is, acknowledge it, and release it. What a relief! Though the sadness comes and goes, the disabling anxiety isn’t the threat it once was.

I’ve been thinking so much about him today...

Steve, as a baby....
 

Steve, as a boy....
 

Steve as a young man....
 

Steve, as Husband and Daddy.
 

 

Steve, old before his time.
 

Steve, who would never know old age....



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