November 4, 2004

I’ve often said that the only thing I am consistent at is inconsistency. My bible study habits are not immune to this character flaw. But earlier this year I found a Bible Study plan that has been easy to stick with, even though I still don’t do it every day. I’m near the end. Today’s segment focused on giving my battles up to the Lord. In Him there is victory.
I’m usually very good at this. I have learned to tenaciously hold on to my faith through many difficult trials... I mean, opportunities... throughout my life. Through the years my trials have built my faith as I’ve watched God fight for me, provide for me, and repair my way.

But now I am fighting a battle I hadn’t realized was a battle, within myself. I continue giving in to sorrow and regret. I am still often plagued with memories of things I should have done differently with Steve.

One afternoon about eight months before he died we were talking about eulogies, using the funny form of the word from the movie “Zoolander”. I told him, “You know, as oldest son you have to give a lovely u-goo-galy at my funeral.”
“Mom, you know I won’t be around for that. You'll have to give a u-goo-galy at mine.”

What had been a playful conversation was turning into a stark reality I wasn’t ready to face. I insisted that he would be there for mine and refused to entertain the idea that he wouldn’t, cutting off a perfect opportunity to discuss his limited future. I think I even walked to another room to put an end to the discussion.

Text book denial. What gems might have come from this missed serendipitous conversation? Would he have been able to expose his heart? To share some side of himself that instead he had to keep buried to protect me from having to face his reality?

The reality came anyway and a piece of Steve he could have shared remained his burden to bear alone.

Now I carry a burden. The burden of knowing that I cheated him out of an opportunity to open up and perhaps to lighten his load just a little. I have to give this battle to God. It is my only path to victory over these spears that continually stab my heart. In this victory I can live a life to honor the memory of Steve and give glory to God. I know that God and Steve have forgiven me, now I need to forgive me. Or, do I need only to accept forgiveness?
Whatever---I give this battle up to God. In him is my complete victory over deep sorrow and regret....