Lori and her friend Jamie came over today to help us clean up around the house and get ready for the memorial tomorrow. I know we could find a church or someplace more traditional to have the service but I just want to send him off the way he lived. Nothing artificial. Steve was about family, friends, laughter, and food! One of the hardest things for him after his kidneys failed, even harder than the dialysis, was the restrictive diet he had to follow. He wasn't allowed to have the friuts, vegetables, cheeses, and chocolate he loved. Once he was put on Hospice all dietary restrictions were lifted, but by then he had lost his appetite for any food. He could barely finish a small smoothie.
As much as Steve wanted to stay I know he wouldn’t want us to have a mopey funeral. I think a pot luck lunch and a short memory time is the best way to honor him. Oh, how my boy loved pot lucks! Also, we’re asking everyone to wear shorts and tank tops or T-shirts. Nothing fancy. That’s Steve. Some have balked at the idea of such a casual "funeral". They're lucky we haven't asked them to wear a t-shirt that has had the collar and sleeves cut away. Very 80's. Steve's favorite summer shirts, usually accompanied by a pair of boxer briefs and sometimes a pair of shorts! Often worn with a pair of steel-toed boots...go figure.
As I busied myself with the cleaning today, I almost forgot the reason. We had a happy, energetic mix of music playing loudly and we were singing along. I was even dancing to the B-52's Love Shack as I moved furniture and vacuumed the floor. It’s almost embarrassing. My son’s body is cold, in a box somewhere in Vista, waiting to be cremated and there I was dancing in my living room having a good ol’ time.
That was hours ago. Looking back, I’m grateful for the short respite from the gravity of my present.
I’m grateful, too, to Lori and Jamie for coming to help me and my girls today. We could not have gotten as much done without them. Jamie, bless her heart, cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom. And Annette has been surreptitiously cleaning since she got here. I must admit that I have let things go around the Haasienda these last eight months or so. All of my focus has been on Steve and his many doctor appointments, or homeschooling and chauffeuring Jae and Rob...not much on house work.
I just want to get through tomorrow. I feel this need pressing physically on me from all sides. In my head someone is urgently whispering, “Don’t delay! Get it done! Get it done!”
One foot in front of the other.
God please carry me through.
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