This morning I took Robyn to her weekly Future Scientists and Engineers of America class at the home school office. Often when I drop her off for her various classes I either hang out with the other moms as we help in the class, or just catch up with each other, or I use the time alone to run errands. But today instead of staying or running all over town for the two hours Robyn would be in class I wanted to use this newfound energy I’ve had this week continuing to attend to some of the housework I’ve been letting go for so long.
On my way home, alone in my quiet car and waiting for a light to change, I was suddenly filled with an overwhelming rush of happiness. As I sat there, hands on the wheel and the cross traffic on San Marcos Blvd rushing past my windshield, the feeling kept growing inside me, filling every nook and cranny of my earthly being. I knew for the first time in months that I was happy. This wonderful feeling kept welling up from deep inside me, bubbling past my lips as a deep chuckle. I haven’t felt anything like this for so long. I’ve had moments of superficial happiness these past four to six months, but not like this swell of well-being that was rising up in me and infusing me with a warm glow.
But there was a delicate difference about this. I couldn’t name the feeling at first but then it came to me. This was bittersweet, and knowing that made me burst into tears. Here I was intensely happy, yet crying, but not crying because I was happy. These were no tears of joy. I was honestly happy and deeply sad at the same time, and each had its place.
It made me wonder ~ will all of my happiness be tinged with sorrow because Steve isn’t here to share in it?
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