I know it's early but I’ve been thinking a lot about Thanksgiving lately, as I am prone to do as autumn approaches. We’re having it here at the Haasienda this year, even though it’s Paula and Bob’s turn. Given the circumstances, my sister and her husband don't mind giving up hosting.
I usually spend months looking forward Thanksgiving; thinking of the menu, the jobs that need to be done before, during, and after the meal, who’s bringing what. There are activities to plan to keep the little ones (and not so little ones) from getting bored while the women prepare the meal. Mom, Paula, Janet, and I used to spend hours on the phone making plans in the month and a half that led up to Thanksgiving. I really don’t know why. It’s a day driven by tradition. The plans have been pretty much set for decades. Year after year there is very little variation in the menu, and we each have our specialties that we bring. I guess the planning is as much a part of the tradition as the cooking and the day itself.
As I sit making plans, I keep thinking of people to invite, besides the thirty of us in our immediate family. First I thought about inviting Mom’s brother Carl and his whole family and from ther there list kept growing. After writing down nearly forty additional names on my sheet of paper I realized... I’m trying to fill the house up with people so the gap caused by Steve's absence won’t be so obvious. But I know that no matter how many people fill the house, the hole will still be here, especially on Thanksgiving, my favorite day of the year. So we’ll just keep it to the usual family and a few friends.
I spent a few hours watching family videos last night looking for Steve. I wanted to see him healthy. Whenever I randomly think of him the first picture that pops into my head is that of him just after he died ~ close cropped hair, ancient face and emaciated body, lying still under a blue sheet. I want to be able to have a healthy-looking Steve pop into my mind’s eye so I’m searching him out. There are very few videos of him because he was so camera shy. Whenever he noticed the camera was on him he would literally tiptoe out of the shot. But last night I found the quintessential Steve. It was shot the day Nicholas was born. Steve, Jae, Robyn, and I were in the maternity waiting room with Lori’s parents. We were waiting for Lori’s sister Linda to bring news from the delivery room where she was with Lori during her C-section. We didn’t know yet that there were serious problems for Lori and Steve’s new son. As we were sitting enjoying each other’s company Nicholas was being rushed to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where a team of doctors and nurses were fighting to stabilize him enough to Life Flight him to Children’s Hospital. For awhile we were all blissfully unaware of the struggle taking place and we were having a happy conversation as we waited for word from Linda. I was playing around with the video camera and got a close up of Steve. He turned to fully face me and gave me his Steve smile, that slow, sweet grin that spoke volumes from his heart. It was perfect. I was able to go to bed with that picture of him in my head and this morning when I woke and thought of him, that was the Steve I saw ~ blond hair, a clear complexion, and sparkling blue-green eyes.
Just for fun I looked at more videos this morning and found a few more good shots of him just being his usual Steve self as he interacted with the family. Sweet memories flooded my heart.
There are so many reasons to want Christ to return soon, but right now one of the biggest for me is so we can see and hold Steve again. I miss him so much. I am so thankful, though, that I have the videos to help me rebuild a mental image of him in robust health.
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